Gary Watton: commentator and satirist

I realised several years ago that I am a little like Charlie George, the Arsenic legend (or Chelsea's Alan Hudson).

 Tis all the more surprising, since I dinnae support Arsenil. Our Charlie was one of the most talented players of his generation. If he had been Dutch, he would more than possibly have fitted into their total football outfit of the 1970s. Instead, it was Charlie's misfortune that the pragmatic Alf Ramsey didn't have any time for this maverick. Alf preferred less gifted players who were a safe pair of hands. This partially explains why Blighty went into decline on the international stage after the heights of 1966.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I too am a maverick (or square peg). I am really talented (or so I have been told), but I am not someone that many small minds in HR departments would entertain. The Northern Irish business community doesn't really possess too many real entrepreneurs. This is why the employers in Ulster and me wouldn't really be on the same page. I'm actually more of a risk-taker than most of them.

This is why I will probably never be welcomed into the bosom of any employer any time soon. Like Charlie or Alan, I'm just a little too awkward for folk who demand 'compliance'. (As Chrissie Hynde sang in 'Talk Of The Town' "It's hard to live by the rules. I never could and still never do." 😅)

 I'm a creative soul and I like to think outside of the box. Such attributes are anathema for many employers. It has been suggested that I apply for work with the civil service, or apply for this, or apply for that. Most of these jobs require folk to execute someone else's wishes. It's not really my domain. I might as well apply for the role of a circus acrobat than apply for any such lousy roles in bureaucracy.

Well, I have finally hit upon my true vocation over two months ago, and I am now engaged in the rather tiresome process of trying to persuade the powers that be to create a role for me, since this society appears to have no relevant role pour moi. I'm having to lobby politicians and civil servants (yuk!), but I am an old hand at trying to engage politicos. I am a wordsmith, so I do write with authority. When an elected representative gets an email from me, it's like receiving a message from their old headmaster.😅

Anyway, I will fight tooth and claw to get this role created. I have belatedly found my 'mission'.
In the meantime, I'm still in Charlie George (or Alan Hudson) territory.

Alan Hudson only won two England caps, while Charlie only ended up playing once for England, which was bizarre, and even then he got hauled off after about an hour in a friendly match against the Republic of Ireland. I can definitely relate to that!

 MORE THAN SIXTY GREEDY PIGS

The following individuals are named in recent annual reports for various Northern Ireland Executive departments. Some people might say that those below are selfish, overpaid money grabbers, but I couldn't possibly comment.

The publication of their salary figures is done in a characteristically sneaky way by putting neither a pound sign nor the zeros next to each amount. Furthermore, a couple of departments have tried to camouflage the top earners' identity by initialising their first name. Are they ashamed to reveal the full name?

I regard these people as the enemy. As so much public funds are diverted into their bank accounts, it means that there are less financial resources allocated elsewhere in the public sector. Some folk might describe this as a disgusting scandal, but I couldn't possibly comment.

Anyhow, their inflated remuneration applies to the following years:
*2017-2018
**2018-2019
***2019-2020

THE EXECUTIVE OFFICE
David Sterling, £455,000-£460,000*
Brenda King, £200,000-£205,000*
Dr Mark Browne, £95,000-£100,000*
Katrina Godfrey, £100,000-£105,000*
Peter Toogood, £90,000-£95,000*
Colm Shannon, £195,000-£200,000*
Chris McNabb, £90,000-£95,000*
Graeme Wilkinson, £105,000-£110,000**

DEPARTMENT of AGRICULTURE, ENVIRONMENT, and RURAL AFFAIRS
Dr D McMahon, £165,000-£170,000**
B Doherty, £220,000-£225,000***
N Fulton, £145,000-£150,000***
R Huey, £125,000-£130,000***
F McCandless, £140,000-£145,000***
D Small, £135,000-£140,000***
D Reid, £90,000-£95,000**
S McGrade, £210,000-£215,000**

DEPARTMENT of EDUCATION
Derek Baker, £150,000-£155,000*
Fiona Hepper, £115,000-£120,000**
John Smith, £225,000-£230,000**
Noelle Buick, £130,000-£135,000**
Gary Fair, £90,000-£95,000**
Gavin Boyd, £145,000-£150,000**

DEPARTMENT for the ECONOMY
Mike Brennan, £220,000-£225,000***
Noel Lavery, £160,000-£165,000**
Heather Cousins, £125,000-£130,000***
Eugene Rooney, £110,000-£115,000**
Colin Lewis, £120,000-£125,000***
Richard Rodgers, £105,000-£110,000***
Diarmuid McLean, £100,000-£105,000***
Stephen McMurray, £100,000-£105,000***

DEPARTMENT of FINANCE
Joanne McBurney, £250,000-£255,000***
Sue Gray, £245,000-£250,000***
Hugh Widdis, £190,000-£195,000***
Bill Pauley, £175,000-£180,000**
Eugene O'Loan, £155,000-£160,000***
Paul Wickens, £145,000-£150,000**
Jill Minne, £140,000-£145,000**
Ian Snowden, £140,000-£145,000***
Claire Archbold, £135,000-£140,000**
Des Armstrong, £130,000-£135,000***
Stewart Barnes, £160,000-£165,000**
Siobhan Carey, £130,000-£135,000***

DEPARTMENT of HEALTH
R Pengelly, £195,000-£200,000**
S Holland, £130,000-£135,000**
C McArdle, £90,000-£95,000**
Dr Michael McBride, £200,000-£205,000**
D McNeilly, £145,000-£150,000**
J Johnston, £125,000-£130,000**
N Lloyd, £105,000-£110,000**
S Gallagher, £200,000-£205,000**
D West, £135,000-£140,000**

DEPARTMENT for COMMUNITIES
Jackie Kerr, £125,000-£130,000**
Louise Warde Hunter, £115,000-£120,000**
Deborah Brown, £90,000-£95,000**

DEPARTMENT for INFRASTRUCTURE
Katrina Godfrey, £175,000-£180,000**
Peter May, £130,000-£135,000*
John McGrath, £105,000-£110,000**
Dr Andrew Murray, £120,000-£125,000**
Fiona McCandless, £110,000-£115,000*
John Irvine, £195,000-£200,000**

DEPARTMENT of JUSTICE
Peter May, £155,000-£160,000***
Anthony Harbinson, £140,000-£145,000***
Ronnie Armour, £150,000-£155,000***
Deborah Brown, £95,000-£100,000***
David A Lavery, £110,000-£115,000**
Lianne Patterson, £120,000-£125,000**

What constitutes a safe seat? Let me throw the following suggestion out there. First of all, it is not sufficient to state that a seat is safe if the elected Member of Parliament possesses more than half of the vote. At Bristol North East in 1970, Robert Adley accumulated more than fifty per cent of the votes cast, but his majority was a measly 462. This may be an extreme example, but it does illustrate that just because Candidate A has more votes than all the other candidates added together, this does not automatically render he or she the custodian of a safe seat.

I would argue that a seat is safe (indeed ultra-safe) if the MP’s majority is greater than the total votes polled by the other candidates. I am guessing that one will struggle to find too many occasions when this safe seat scenario has not been valid. One occasion when such a safe seat is indeed unsafe is at a by-election. Glasgow East in 2008 illustrates this exception.

Anyhow, now that the Boundary Commission’s most recent recommendations have regrettably been mothballed, I have taken the liberty of pouring over all the 650 constituency results from the most recent British general election charade in May 2010. Applying my criteria, I was surprised to find only 25 seats which fall into my safe seat category. I think that we can safely say that there are a great many more constituencies where the current incumbent can sleep safely in their bed in advance of their next beauty contest in 2015. Therefore, it might be more prudent to define my findings as ultra-safe seats, in other words, the kind of constituency contests which are basically non-contests, the political equivalent of a five furlong horse race involving a champion sprinter competing against three or four donkeys. The listed constituencies consequently can be described as Britain’s safest 25 seats, where to coin a phrase, the incumbent MP ‘only has to turn up to win’. You won’t find too may high profile politicians and front-bench spokespersons campaigning in such constituencies, because their result will be deemed a foregone conclusion. Instead, those persons living within the confines of a key marginal will instead have the joy or pain of a multitude of heavyweight politicos tramping up and down their shopping precincts and beyond, ensuring that every possible vote can be squeezed out of such target seats at the next national poll.

Meanwhile, here are the 25 seats that appear to be ‘safe as houses’, five of which are in the current possession of the Conservative Party while the Labour Party currently lays claim to seventeen such Westminster strongholds. In the list underneath, the MPs are Conservative, unless otherwise stated. Only thirteen are located in England’s green and pleasant land, while there are none in Wales. Northern Ireland boasts two such ultra-safe seats whilst north of the border, there are no fewer than ten mega-safe seats. The MPs of such fiefdoms will not thank me for publishing these findings as perversely there is nothing that galvanises people more than the thought that they and their vote are taken for granted. Could a surprise therefore be on the cards? I doubt this somehow!   

[compiled by Gary Watton; author of The Celtic Fringe (GW Publications, 2012) under the anagram pseudonym of 'Grant Toway'

Beaconsfield

Belfast West [Sinn Fein]

Birkenhead [Labour]

Bootle  [Labour]

Chelsea and Fulham

Coatbridge, Chryston and Bellshill [Labour]

Down North [Independent Unionist]

Dunbartonshire West [Labour]

Easington  [Labour]

East Ham [Labour]

Glasgow North East  [Labour]

Glasgow South West  [Labour]

Glenrothes  [Labour]

Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath  [Labour]

Knowsley  [Labour]

Maldon

Motherwell and Wishaw  [Labour]

Orkney and Shetland [Liberal Democrat]

Paisley and Renfrewshire South  [Labour]

Rayleigh and Wickford

Richmond (Yorkshire)

Rutherglen and Hamilton West  [Labour]

South Holland and The Deepings  [Labour]

Tottenham  [Labour]

West Ham  [Labour]

Gary Watton, the world's least-known celebrity, is a prolific author, commentator and historian of informative, non-fiction reference books. He was born in Fulford Maternity Hospital because there was no room at the inn. An accomplished air guitarist, he is the product of a mixed marriage: his father was a man, and his mother was a woman, so he had a difficult upbringing. Anyhow, at the time of writing he has penned nineteen titles, covering such topics as cricket, politics, popular music, rugby union, and soccer. He is the first writer to compile a chronology of all post-war Ashes test matches; one of the first writers to produce an item on the Five Nations/Six Nations rugby tournament; the first writer to issue a book on the British Home Internationals' soccer tournament; and the first writer to complete a book which has 'pilfered' literally thousands of comments off YouTube!
He was educated at Harpur's Hill County Primary School and then Coleraine Academical Institution, County Londonderry whereupon he left with 3 A Levels in 1988. He then graduated from the University of Bradford in 1992 with a BSc 2i in Social Sciences (History and Politics). The following year he graduated again from the same institution with an M.A. in European Studies (West European Politics). After experiencing a variety of employment he developed his passion for writing. He has written most of his books under different pseudonyms, and his list of publications includes:
Chelsea FC Day by Day by Gary Watton
Chelsea versus Arsenal, the first 150 matches by Gary Watton
That Was The Decade That Was by 'Arthur TS Jackson'
The Song For Today by 'Jimmie Oliver'
An Essential Guide To Music In The 1970s by 'Johnny Zero'
A Concise Guide To Eighties' Music by 'Karl Vorderman'
England Football Team, 1946-2006, A Complete Record by 'John Bull'
The Ashes, 1945-2005, A Complete Record by 'Tony Wagtar' [anagram of author's name]
The Five Nations/Six Nations, 1970-2009, A Complete Record by 'Ian Bronderson'
England's World Cup Adventures Since 1945, A Complete Record by 'Talented Loser'
A Pop Revolution, the transatlantic music scene 1965 to 1969 by 'the invisible man'
The Home Internationals' Soccer Tournament, 1946-1984, A Complete Record by 'the King of 'Trivia'
A Bizarre Collection Of Puzzles by 'The Enigma'
The Celtic Fringe by 'Grant Toway' [anagram of the author's name]
You Are A Tube! by 'Steven Fried PLC'
Gary was a member of a successful Harpur's Hill primary school soccer team that won its league (the Killowen Cup) in April 1981 even though seven or eight of the eleven players were still in P6, a feat that may never be matched by any other primary school anywhere! He was also an undefeated member of the school's badminton team which also won its league the same year.
A few years later in January 1984, Gary reached the last 32 round of the Ulster Under-19 Snooker Championships whilst only fourteen years of age.
Mr Watton is also a devotee of puzzles and quizzes, and he appeared on Channel Four's 'Fifteen To One' on December the 3rd 1997. In January 2006 he was narrowly defeated on a 'crucial conundrum' in a cliffhanger episode of 'Countdown'. His opponent, Michael Bowden, went on to win his subsequent seven matches.
Mr Watton, who made a handful of appearances in London as a stand-up comedian in 2004 and 2005, has skirted around the periphery of the media, and thus far has been interviewed by Marie Louise-Muir for an edition of Radio Ulster's Arts Extra in late July 2008 to promote 'The Song For Today', posing under the nom de plume of Jimmie Oliver. He was then interviewed at BBC Broadcasting House in July 2009 on the morning of the First Ashes Test where he was quizzed arising out of his then newly-published Ashes book. His interview appeared on the 'Up All Night' show for Radio Five Live. More recently, Mr Watton was a guest on 'Pienaar's Politics' on Radio Five Live in July 2011.
In April 2012 Gary Watton submitted a request to the UK's Ministry of Justice to have the Royal Pardon posthumously bestowed upon Anne Boleyn, Catherine Howard, and Lady Jane Grey. He also requested that the UK government belatedly issues a statement which nullifies the nonsense crime of heresy against the Catholic and Protestant martyrs of the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries. Regardless of whether or not such appeals prove initially successful, Gary at least has made the first trailblazing moves to correct such miscarriages of justice. It may be that others will take on the baton to ensure eventual success.
In September 2012, Gary lobbied a number of MPs regarding the need to fine the next of kin who permit the funeral of their loved ones to be hijacked by a firing of shots over the coffin, as practised primarily by Irish republicans.
Mr Watton is also intending to lobby UK politicians about the need to legislate on the subject of job application forms and make them more user-friendly by limiting the size of any application form to an absolute maximum of ten pages.
Meanwhile, the UK Public Lending Right agency revealed that Gary Watton's books have been borrowed 2,077 times between July 1st 2009 and June 30th 2012 by libraries in the United Kingdom.
This author, who has been nominated as the most promising newcomer for the eighth year in succession by the Continuity Independent Runners' Association is a keen athlete. He is a leading participant at the weekly Portrush Parkrun, a 5,000 metres race which takes place on a beach. In January 2013, Gary was nominated as the first-ever male recipient of the monthly Portrush Parkrun prize. He is also a racist: he particularly likes such races as the Grand National, the Derby, and the men's Olympic 100 metres. As an amateur 'athlete', Gary Watton became the first competitor to complete ten Portrush 5k Parkruns in November 2012.
Finally, Gary is articulate and 'a bit opinionated', the latter arising out of his disdain for inequality and injustice. He is particularly offended by the accumulation of wealth, and as a practising Christian, he sees no connection whatsoever between luxury or wealth and the life and teachings of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.
You can stalk this lovely person at http://gw930.blog.com  OR at http://rongattway.blog.co.uk

MY OBITUARY

Family and several friends were shocked, though not entirely surprised, to learn of the sudden death of Gary Watton after a lengthy illness. This supremely talented author, genius, and misfit had fought a courageous battle against alienation and loneliness.

A handful of people jumped at the opportunity to take a day off work and pay their insincere, clichéd respects at the funeral service which passed off without incident apart from when the deceased opened the coffin lid and grumpily exhorted the vicar to keep the noise down, before returning to sleep. At the graveside, a volley of shots was fired over the coffin by the Boys Brigade from their water pistols for their ex-volunteer. Also at the graveside, one relative was heard to remark: “I will miss his sarcasm”, while another mourner added: “I do not know how I will be able to cope without his cynicism.” Watton’s local pub landlord was visibly upset (at the thought that his takings would never be the same again) while a representative from the dead man’s mortgage lenders also expressed his regret at the unexpected death after a prolonged illness. It was however of some consolation to the assembled few that the deceased passed away noisily in his sleep.

The vicar (and presumably a part-time actor) spoke movingly of how the former author had been the very essence of warmth, pleasantness, and sheer joy, adding that no party had ever been complete without Mr Watton letting off steam about something or other. The local police Chief Inspector also paid tribute to how Gary had frequently helped the police with their enquiries. The mourners were assured that the deceased would be joining Adolf Hitler, Michael Jackson, Joe Stalin, Jade Goody, and Frank Lampard’s mum in heaven.

At the conclusion of the burial, some relatives retired to a nearby hostelry where they drank several toasts to the deceased and recalled with considerable mirth, Gary Watton’s many embarrassing exploits, a session which predictably lasted into the wee small hours, before bracing themselves for the reading of the will to ascertain who would be the unfortunate recipient of his clothes and record collection.

Perhaps the most fitting epitaph for Gary Watton was conceived by himself: a hugely under-rated actor, comedian, dancer, politician, singer, and writer, there was nothing wrong with him that a little love and understanding wouldn’t have cured.

In lieu of flowers, please give a donation to the International Ranters’ Society or to S.P.I.T.E (the Society for the Preservation of Incredibly Talented Enigmas).

No this isn’t a homage to a Roxy Music album from the 1970s, but instead this page is my own vision for the Disunited Queendom. Tony Bennett once sang ‘If I Ruled The World’. Well here is my programme for government if I ruled Little Britain. [The following prescriptions for ailing Britain, our sick society, are in no order of importance.]

There should be a referendum on whether or not Britain wishes to remain in the European Union.

There should be a referendum in the Falkland Islands on the issue of its sovereignty. Even if the islanders agree to preserve the status quo, there should be a conciliatory gesture of permitting a rolling increase of Argentine involvement in the administration of what they refer to as the Malvinas.

There should be a referendum in Northern Ireland to determine its constitutional position for the next ten years.

The BBC licence fee should be scrapped. The time is long overdue that the BBC should stand on its own two feet and not rely on a mandatory licence fee imposed on its viewers. No other broadcasting network demands such terms and conditions of its customers. The BBC must operate in the marketplace in much the same way as its competitors, relying either on subscriptions, as Sky does, or upon revenue from advertising, as experienced by the likes of ITV. Given the scandals and its flawed history, not to mention the unmerited high salaries of its chief executives and overpaid presenters, the BBC should not command a compulsory licence fee from its hard-pressed viewers.

The next of kin should be fined one thousand pounds if they permit the firing of a volley of shots at the graveside ceremony of their loved one’s funeral.

It should be illegal to fly a paramilitary flag from one’s own house. The occupant should be fined one thousand pounds.

It should be illegal to burn any national flag, as periodically and provocatively practised in Northern Ireland.

The number of MLAs in Northern Ireland needs to be cut from a scandalous six members per constituency to five, even four members per constituency, thus sparing the public purse an obscenely high outlay of funds.

The number of MPs at Westminster needs surgery too. A more realistic total of five hundred ought to be aimed at. However, no Member of Parliament should have to represent any more than a maximum of one hundred thousand constituents. Where a constituency exceeds a total electorate of one hundred thousand, then boundary changes are needed to keep every constituency to a maximum of one hundred thousand people. No constituency should have an electorate of less than fifty thousand constituents.

There should be an absolute bare minimum tariff of twenty years for all life sentences. To be convicted of murder and then issued with a minimum of seventeen years clearly values the life of the deceased victim at approximately seventeen years, which is preposterous and insulting.

The National Minimum Wage should be increased from barely beyond six pounds per hour to a more respectful eight pounds per hour.

Businesses will be able to cope with the burden of these increased wages by means of a reduction in Corporation Tax.

In order to offset the national debt, Jobseekers Allowance should be cut from £71 per week to fifty-nine pounds per week. By increasing the margin between one week on Jobseekers Allowance and one week on the National Minimum Wage, the whole concept of work will never seem so attractive and there will be a huge stimulus to find employment. As someone who is currently receiving JSA, I am well-placed to comment on the anomaly of working full-time in a low-paid job when benefits are considerably more rewarding. There are enough benefits claimants shelling out their apparent wealth each day at the bookies or at the pub to suggest that there is something sickeningly amiss with Britain’s benefits culture. Unfortunately, for every genuine hard luck story, there appears to be many others who are benefiting a little too well from the benefits bestowed by the misguided liberals of Britain’s nanny state.

Job application forms should be legally restricted to a maximum of ten pages. Anything beyond this total is not user-friendly and is inclined to be padded out with unnecessary and downright intrusive questions.

All employers should be legally compelled to email all applicants for a vacancy and inform them of the outcome. It doesn’t take an eternity to contact people via email in contrast to the costly snail mail. Failing to inform all applicants about the outcome of their application is hugely disrespectful and demoralising.

In much the same way as there is a national criminal database, people should be able to volunteer information about their qualifications and employment record to a national database. Employers can then consult this database in order to ascertain a candidate’s suitability for an advertised vacancy. Such information would enable a candidate to curtail a lengthy application form by stating that such information is in the public domain and is verifiable.

The ‘basic’ salary of Members of Parliament should be reduced from 63k to 60k per annum. This would provide an annual saving of two million pounds for the public purse. Admittedly, this is a mere drop in the ocean, but to quote the Tesco commercial, ‘every little helps’. 

There needs to be an end to the golden handshakes culture that afflicts British society. The sacked, soometimes disgraced, sometimes underachieving chief executives and bosses of major organisations or corporations should not be rewarded for their failure. Employment law must be amended to outlaw employment contracts which facilitate huge pay-offs for departing employees. It would be good if the British parliament took a lead in this abominable situation and voted to stop the issuing of a large pension to MPs who lose their seats. Again, this is an example of rewarding failure, and it sets a terrible example.

Young persons under the age of eighteen should be legally prohibited from attending public protests. Anyone who breaches this law should be detained at a holding centre until a parent or guardian arrives and pays a spot fine of ten pounds before the underaged protester is released. If there is a repeat offence, the spot fine increases to £100. If there is a third violation, then a fine of £1,000 is issued.

All future motoring offences, such as speeding should result in a £100 fine for the perpetrator and a £1,000 for a repeat offence. Such measures would replace the outdated points system. For the first offence, the perpetrator would still have the choice between a fine or compulsory attendance at the drive safety course.

Whenever the police are asked to investigate a complaint of excessive noise at someone’s house, arising out of a late night, or early hours party, a spot fine of ten pounds should be issued to the property owner if the police record and/or film the noisy proceedings. Again, a repeat offence should incur a fine of £100, and a third offence should necessitate a £1,000 fine. Unfortunately, nowhere near enough is done to tackle such anti-social behaviour, and again the authorities seem impotent at protecting a person’s right to a quiet, peaceful existence, free from excessive noise in the night or early morning.

Young persons under the age of twenty who the police consider to be drunk and disorderly when attending or emerging from a night club or pub should be detained overnight in a holding centre where they can sober up, whilst in this temporary protective custody. The individual would then be released when a parent, partner, or guardian arrives at the holding centre and pays a spot fine of £10 for a first offence, £100 for a repeat offence, and £1,000 for a third such offence.

The revenue raised from the imposition of fines for the above offences can be allocated as follows:
1) The building and maintenance and staffing of new detention centres for those guilty of anti-social behaviour such as underage protesters and drunk and disorderly teenagers. Such centres would provide a brief, temporary stint of incarceration whilst arrangements were made for a parent, or guardian, or partner to arrive at the holding centre and settle the appropriate spot fine. Failure to pay the spot fine would automatically result in court proceedings being issued, after which an increased fine or custodial sentence would be bestowed upon any guilty party.
2) Funds from the fines would also be distributed to a central fund that would compensate anyone found innocent after having been remanded in custody. Any such individual who is acquitted after having been placed on remand would be compensated to the tune of £100 per week of their incarceration.

A maximum wage needs to be legally enforced to prevent Premiership soccer players grabbing outrageous weekly amounts which far exceed what many people earn over several years.

Football clubs should not be permitted to spend money in the transfer market, unless they have paid off their debts. There is something incongruous about a football club which owes money but which simultaneously is purchasing new players.